11:30am, Monday morning: we are hanging out in the lobby of the Marriott Courtyard Miami, fresh off of one shuttle and waiting for another. With me is Eric and our cameraman for this trip — Bo; we have got our bags, cameras and that kind of dull conversation that can only kill time. With us but not like, “with us” are Lupe Fiasco, Paul Wall, Nappy Roots and Little Brother. When we do eventually get on the bus, Eric says “it feels like we’re going to sleep away camp — with everyone who was signed to Atlantic in 2004.”
We are headed to the Rock the Bells cruise, a hip-hop fantasy getaway where you can see performances by Da Brat, Dogg Pound or MC Lyte but also find yourself eating in the mess hall next to Lil Cease or playing blackjack at 3am with Jadakiss (who keeps yelling “PUT IT IN THE COMMENTS SECTION,” on good hands and bad, for absolutely no reason and maybe 3000 times in the time we’re down there.)
On the schedule — a color-coded overloaded mess of boxes that could whelm or even overwhelm Steven Hawking — there’s a spades tournament with Torae, high-intensity cardio with Big Lez and enough costume nights (white party, Masquerade Ball, Halloween) to make you wonder how many bags it’d take to make a boat sink.
The food sucks but there’s a lot of it, the waters are calm and I have a deep fear of not Purell-ing my hands every 20 seconds. I develop a complex where I don’t touch bannisters, door handles or elevator buttons. I will not be patient zero.
It will end up as an amazing trip, super exhausting although I’ve never slept better. (Something about the gentle rocking of the boat felt like I was in utero; it took the jaws of life to get me out of naps.) They say we went to the Bahamas but I never got off the boat so who’s to say. I made friends from all over and got asked if I was a Beastie Boy three separate times. Rory (of the podcast with Mal) was mistaken for Paul Wall, on camera — which made me laugh so hard I almost dropped my phone.
Also, it was revealed to us that — although it’s a four-day journey — it only is a two-hour trip from Miami to the Bahamas. So the boat is just doing figure-8’s in the water, over and over, which makes sense but also doesn’t. You’re going somewhere and nowhere at all; maybe this is what vacation is? Eric and I played shuffleboard until we realized it’s not that fun.
Let’s quickly run down the best parts of the trip:
Juvenile performs the kick-off performance, Monday night. There are a lot of audio and scheduling issues, Juvie leaves annoyed — none of that counts as “the best part,” sorry to the CMB legend. Lemme back up for a second: The LOX are staying in the penthouse villa, a hive of suites and balconies, with a hot tub, sauna, butler service and so much fresh fruit. One of their common rooms overlooks the outdoor performance area, where Juvie is performing. The windows are tinted, but they’re not that tinted. The actual best part of the trip is that the reclusive Sheek, who is determined not to intermingle with anyone, can be seen in the windows as he tries to take in the ship from behind glass.
The second best part is the conversations and fast friendships made on freshman floors, where you’re all sorta unmoored from the realities from whence you came but (in this case) you’re in an elevator so now you’re family. I met people from Buffalo, Charlotte, Baltimore, East St. Louis, LA, Seattle and nowhere Michigan. As the LOX performance was wrapping up Wednesday night, I got a tap on the shoulder: I turn around. It’s Ed Lover. “Hi, I’m Ed Lover,” he says, “I’m a huge fan of your work.” I say, “Jesus, Ed. First of all, I know who you are,” and proceed to thank him NOT for Yo! MTV Raps or the Ed Lover Dance or the myriad of things he’s done to expand the scope of hip-hop for the past 35 years but rather mention a radio promo he did a million years ago on Hot97 that I think about often (and which he thinks about never). We find out DJ Jazzy Jeff watches and loves our showcast, which is crazy to believe. We chop it up with the comedian Lance Woods, get breakfast with Big Pooh and find out that dead prez are warm and funny (who knew!). Also, if you’re looking for where the party is, find Lil Cease first.
Third favorite moment is that Styles missed his flight to get to Miami to get on the boat. Not great, not ideal. But somehow, it was arranged that he would meet us in the Bahamas, which would require flying in by SEA PLANE. When the video comes out, he’ll look like a hero, returning from war.
HONORABLE MENTION: The cruise’s social media team asked me and Eric to deliver a disposable camera to The LOX, for them to document their experience. Eric said yes, knowing the guys would never do it. And so Eric assumed the responsibility of taking pictures, which, fine, he went to film school or whatever. At 2am last night, we’re sitting around with Styles and Bo, and I realize we still have this fucking camera. I hit the social media guy, who thankfully is 1) awake and 2) down the hall. I open the door to where he is — and it is like 100 people, going INSANE to “Knuck If U Buck,” because Mannie Fresh was DJing and it’s Halloween and it was like closing ceremonies. Wild. Anyway, I handed off the camera. When those photos come out and they’re credited to The LOX, make sure to correct them and say “No. Eric took those.”
LEAST HONORABLE MENTION: Eric got detained by ICE on the way off the boat for a random screening. He was with me, and then suddenly he was not. I had no idea where he was — I legit was about to start making calls. And then, after around 20 minutes, he was let out. He said they went through every item in his camera case, every page of the book he’s reading, every nook and cranny of his wallet and asked dozens of questions. Just shitty and stupid, as good an opportunity to say fuck ICE.
There’s a lot more to say and remember, some of which will be in next week’s newsletter, when my mind is as restored as my wifi. For now, I am so happy to be back, I’m excited to share more about the show we performed and I’m most happy to be in my bed tonight.
New episode — The Sixth Sense — on Monday! New tour date being announced — in Brooklyn! — on Friday!
Shit sounds epic