Oh, what a night! Late December back in ‘63. Is that when Uptown Paco was born? No, he was born in late September — he’s a Libra, he’s balanced, that’s why his catamaran never flips over. Regardless, late December is the perfect time to throw the first annual 2J3BD Holiday Spectacular at Brooklyn’s legendary comedy venue, The Bell House, in Park Slope.
Here’s the pre-sale link — only available to newsletter subscribers! — which will publish at 10am today, Wednesday, November 5. (Use the code: PACO.) General sale will open up to everyone else tomorrow, at 10am.
The movie we’ll be discussing will be announced closer to the live show date!
On the fence about what our show is like? Catch up on our Bronx Brewery show (where we did There’s Something About Mary) and this coming Monday, we’ll start putting up our clips from the Rock the Bells Cruise (where we did House Party). But move quick, because tickets will sell out.
I want to talk more about the boat trip, because 1.) it was my favorite thing I’ve written in a while, and 2.) because I have more to say. Having more to say is a top reason to write about something.
I’ve never really had a work retreat or even an office happy hour, one of those bonding events that solidifies camaraderie in the workplace. My coworker is my brother, Secret Santa’s easy to figure out and we’ve done karaoke together. A trust fall isn’t going to get us closer, I think we’ve plateaued there.
But now we work with The LOX. Time to do an escape room?
The cruise was a particularly intense four-day hang-out. There’s no wi-fi, no family and no exits, you’re getting breakfast at 8am, running around all day and huddled around the blackjack table at 3am. When Jada is talking Biggie with Lil Cease, when Styles is screaming about Daz Dillinger’s production, you’re a fly on the wall. Moving as a unit, as we did with Sheek to see Kool G Rap at the other end of the ship, you can feel the energy shift around you in the hallways. Eric loved that — right as the guys hit the stage — they handed their phones off to us, a sign that we had made it another level into the inner circle. (Another sign: Styles said the only calls he picks up on Sundays are ours. That’s also a sign that we’re annoying.)
But it’s not just about the LOX themselves. We got to learn more about their friends, their crew. Like Brother Hassan, who does their tour management and event production — but also went to high school with the Fugees, ran in the same acting circles as Lauryn Hill and got them to sign their first contract. You can see him in Zebrahead, which was cast at The LOX’s high school, or The Professional, which was not. Two O’s, who we’ve known as one of Jada’s closest friends, was running around with Biggie and Junior Mafia in the 90s — and only reconnected with Kiss just a couple of years ago. Truly fascinating lives that we were lucky enough to get glimpses of this past week.
Also, we thought of a new segment starring another of their close friends: Shroom Stories with Kay Rosewood. So, be on the look-out for that!
I said it in last week’s edition and I’ll say it again, Rory getting mistaken for Paul Wall is the funniest thing I’d seen all week. It made me laugh so hard I dropped my phone. So! Let’s do a quick rundown of the people I’ve been mistaken for:
The Beastie Boys: I guess? Like, I love those guys — even now, I think I’d be too nervous to say hi if I ever saw Mike D or Ad-Rock in person. But we don’t look anything alike, one of them is dead. White guy, Black space, it just seems lazy to me. 2/10 No Sleep Til’ Thumbs.
…one of the people who confused me and my brothers for the Beasties had recently gotten out of prison after being in there for a long time, so that’s forgiven. Also he was drunk. Also he asked for a photo with us. I wonder what he thinks when he sees that photo now. 10/10 LMAO Thumbs.
The Lonely Island: Okay, this is still lazy but I guess closer. Like, most people don’t know what the other two guys look like (shouts to Akiva and Jorm), and so conceivably I could be the third member of Lonely Island. But if you don’t know what they look like, then we’re playing pin the tail on the white rapper. 4/10 Lazy Sunthumbs.
Former XXL/MTV writer Adam Fleischer: Whenever I’d go to concerts at SOB’s here in NYC, some guy who I didn’t know would tell me it was good to see me (I like that!) and he’d be sending shoes to the office for me to wear. That’s nice. Adam is better-looking than me, but we were both tall and clean-shaven and both deserved shoes. I’m glad I could help Adam get his. 7/10 Carson Dathumbs.
Jeff Goldblum: People love Jeff Goldblum. He’s not weird; he’s an eccentric, who speaks, dresses, plays clarinet as only he can. One girl in an LA club hit on me, thinking I was him! That’s flattering! Only thing is HE’S A SMOOTH 32 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. Is that a compliment??? Do I look 73??? Do I need to go to a doctor?!! 73/10 old thumbs.
Someone who gives a fuck: Oh. You thought? 0/10 thumbs.
Jack Antonoff: TMZ stopped me when I landed at LAX. They thought I was Taylor Swift’s producer. He wears glasses; he’s also 7 or 8 inches shorter than me. And when I said I wasn’t him, TMZ said “Yes, you are.” 9/10 oh ok nvm thumbs.
Anyway, the only one that comes close to Rory/Paul Wall is Jeff Goldblum, which unfortunately was not caught on camera.
When we did our 2J2BD Jurassic Park live show in 2017, we were very close to getting Jeff to come out as a special guest. Will he be there at our live show next month? We’ll see! Either way, it will be a holiday spectacular to remember — make sure to get your tickets!
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Escape room is a fantastic idea, just make sure sheek and styles leave their brass knuckles at home
FYI I’m fully licensed to carry in California if yall ever need a 6’4” 225lb Jewish white boy from gravesend to be a bouncer when you come to LA